Eve’s Steep Price
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him “Adam, I am going to give you the perfect companion. She’ll cook and clean and listen, she’s perfect.”
Adam replied, “What will she cost me?”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Shocked, Adam said, “Well, what can I get for a rib?”
In the Driver’s Seat
The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.
They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he’s got a pretty important person on his hands.
The police chief asked, “Is he more important than the mayor?”The cop said, “Yes.”
Then the chief asked, “Is he more important than the governor?”
The cop said, “Yes.”
Then the chief asked, “Is he more important than the President?”
The cop said, “Yes.”
Finally, the chief asked, “How important can he be?”
The cop said, “I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope for a driver.”
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. “Oh my,” he shuddered, it’s Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth. Let’s see if we can see the devil himself.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
Is that too much to ask?
Sarah’s grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, “God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B’nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?”
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, “I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?”
Sarah responds, “Well…he WAS wearing a hat.”
The Car Wash
A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip to Bethlehem.
They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP. On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two o’clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any customers.Finally, one of the soprano singers had an idea. She printed a very large poster with the words: WE WASH. GOD RINSES. (Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.)
Business boomed!
I know what the Bible means
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?” The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.’”
Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”The teacher paused and said, “but no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Do you reject the devil
A priest came to a dying author to read him his last rites.
“Do you reject the devil?” asked the priest.
“This is no time to be making enemies,” replied the author.
