The roots of all living things are tied together. Deep in the ground of being, they tangle and embrace. This understanding is expressed in the term nonduality. If we look deeply, we find that we do not have a separate self-identity, a self that does not include sun and wind, earth and water, creatures and plants, and one another.
Joan Halifax Roshi, Essential Zen (Harper Collins)
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On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know…
.…that to find beauty in everyone you must see beauty in everyone, then announce that you see it, for in announcing it, you place it there in their reality.
Do not miss a single chance — not one single opportunity — to tell someone how wonderful they are, how special they are, how important to you they are, how incredible as a person they are, how beautiful they are inside and out. Do not miss a single opening in which to insert such a comment, genuinely felt and genuinely meant.
Make it your life’s mission today to bring to the attention of another just how extraordinary they are. Say it. Say it. SAY it. Their heart is waiting to know that their own best thought about themselves can be believed.
Victoria Moran wants you to make peace with food and have a body you’re proud of by drawing on the wisdom and grace you harbor inside.
The author of The Love-Powered Diet (Lantern Books) wants to help you replace cravings with calmness and relate to food as a loving friend.
Folks, let me tell you: This may be the last weight-loss book you ever read. It not only nourishes your body, but also feeds your self-esteem and spirituality — areas often ignored by trendy or fad diets.
It’s no coincidence that we lose weight with popular diets only to regain it soon after we “go off” the diet of choice.
In her own quest for freedom from compulsive eating and yo-yo dieting, Moran — once the chubby child of a diet doctor — discovered the power of combining the principles of the Twelve Step Program with the gentle way of eating espoused by yogis and mystics, and now supported by cutting-edge nutritional research.
The result: falling in love with yourself, your life, and The Love-Powered Diet!
“Diet can be an ugly word, and sentences like ‘I’m a fat slob and ought to go on a diet’ or ‘I was bad and blew my diet’ are no less than obscene,” Victoria says.
“I’m using the word differently here. The love-powered diet applies to a natural, gentle style of eating that uses the d-word in its general and non-threatening sense, as when you say, ‘I make sure that my children get a good diet.’
“What people eat is their diet. Depriving oneself in order to lose weight is dieting. What we’re talking about is a way of eating that uses love’s power instead of willpower to make change stick.”
If you are one of the many Americans who are overweight despite trying multiple diets, then you are the ideal candidate for The Love-Powered Diet. Odds are you are one of the millions of foods addicts helping this nation boast an obesity rate of 1-in-3.
Yes, that is a scary stat. However, you can find peace — and a healthy weight — by turning inward and facing the real issues keeping you overweight. Hand-in-hand with this emotional approach to food is a proven diet that’s heavy on vegetables and light on frustration and guilt.
“My breakthrough came when I decided my problem wasn’t about dieting — it was about life,” Victoria says. “I prayed for help and suddenly everything became clear.
“I don’t want readers to worry about the religious aspect. This plan is not about any one specific church. It’s about the inner power you call on for help.
“It’s about getting ego out of the way and doing what’s right to become healthier mentally and physically.”
The working subtitle to The Love-Powered Diet was “when willpower is not enough.”
Ready for a taste of Victoria’s awesome new look at dieting and leading a healthier well-rounded life?
Copyright (c) 2009 by Victoria Moran.
Published by Lantern Books, www.lanternbooks.com
There’s no dieting here — no menus, no amounts, no absolutes. Why should I tell you what to eat on some hypothetical days one through seven as if you had only a week to live? You have a life to live, and it isn’t hypothetical. Besides, in real life every day is “day one.”
The love-powered diet celebrates the abundance of nature. Its basic food groups are:
• Fruits, preferably fresh but also frozen, unsweetened
• Vegetables (salads, crudités, and steamed, sautéed, and baked veggies, with an emphasis on super-nutritious leafy greens); The starchy vegetables including potatoes, yams, and corn belong here nutritionally as well, although in terms of meal-planning, you’ll often be using them the way you’d use grains
• Whole grains, including whole wheat (bread, bulghur, pasta, etc.), brown rice, oats, cornmeal (cornbread, polenta), buckwheat (pancakes, noodles), and gourmet grains such as millet, quinoa, and amaranth
• Legumes, such as dried beans (navy, kidney, red, pink, lima, garbanzo), peas, lentils, and soybeans (i.e., edamame) andsoy foods such as tofu and tempeh.
There’s also an auxiliary category of rich foods are higher in oil content or in natural sugars than the basic foods. They are used in smaller quantities as condiments or garnishes and can supplement the diet of people who need extra calories to maintain their weight.
Rich relatives include nuts and seeds (preferably raw and unsalted), olives, avocado, extra-virgin olive oil; dried fruits, fruit juices, all-fruit jam; and sweeteners such as agave nectar, sorghum, and pure maple syrup.
This translates into meals such as fruit plates and fruit smoothies; crisp salads and vegetable stir-fries; casseroles and chowders; sandwiches on hearty whole-wheat bread and quick loaves like cornbread and banana bread served with served with satisfying soups such as lentil and split pea; an assortment of rice and noodle dishes; beans and rice, beans on toast, and Boston baked beans; veggie-burgers, veggie wraps, or a breakfast-style supper of scrambled tofu, grilled onions and tomatoes, and vegetarian Canadian “bacon” in the refrigerator section of any natural food store.
The world of ethnic cooking comes alive for love-powered chefs, too. You can experiment with dishes from:
• The Middle East: pita sandwiches with hummus (chickpea spread) or baba ghannouj (eggplant dip), tabbouleh (cracked-wheat salad), rice pilafs
• Italy: eggplant dishes, gnocchi, and an endless array of pasta with vegetables and tomato or wine-based sauces
• India: a variety of vegetable curries with tantalizing complementary chutneys, dal (spicy sauces made from lentils or split peas), pungent rice dishes
• Mexico: chili sans carne, avocado tostadas, bean burritos, vegetable fajitas
• Asia: vegetable sushi with miso soup and seaweed salad at the Japanese place; steamed veggies and brown rice with garlic sauce on the side from the Chinese delivery guy; the potato, cabbage, and tofu dish from the Vietnamese restaurant; and the cellophane noodles with lotus root and exotic vegetables from the Thai café
Even in traditional American fare you can make easy shifts, such as a veggie-burger for hamburger. You can customize what you eat to the way you live.
Victoria walks the walk. She’s living proof that her nutritional approach works now and for life. After hitting an all-time high of 180, she began her own love-powered diet and dropped 62 pounds.
She now comfortably maintains a svelte figure and a weight of 118.
“It’s a great way to eat,” she says. “You’ll feel a change the very first day.
“Then the weight comes off but that’s a secondary thing. The main thing is you now have a life… you are free.
“So start right now on having a wonderful life. And please don’t be turned off by the vegetarian part of the equation or the spiritual part.
“Be open… be honest… and see were you want to go with it.”
Be sure to come back to Diet.com this Wednesday, June 24th, when Victoria reveals the things food addicts DO as well as the things food addicts THINK. See if any of this sounds familiar. If so, take the steps to break your yo-yo cycle of weight loss once and for all!
Victoria Moran is an inspirational speaker, certified life coach, and the author of books including Living a Charmed Life, Fit from Within, and Creating a Charmed Life. Her work has been noted in publications including O, Self, and USA Today. She is married and lives in New York City. Her blog appears regularly on BeliefNet.
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The House of Representatives could vote on the most important piece of climate legislation of our lifetime before the week is out.
Victory is within our grasp, but by no means assured.
That means your $50 donation will generate $100 for our final sprint to a House vote.
The deep-pocketed opposition has pulled out all the stops to defeat this bill. Their game plan is simple sow confusion and fear about the costs of action.
We’re at a make-or-break moment, and your donation right now will go twice as far to help us ramp up our campaign efforts, buy more ad time, and do more on-the-ground field work.
Just last week, the Obama administration released a sobering report about our country’s future if global warming continues at the current pace. By the end of the century:
Here’s what we plan to do with your money:
Here’s what the historic energy and climate bill would do:
We need your help to pass this critical legislation.
For the next five days, an anonymous donor will match your emergency donation $1-for-$1.
Your donation will never make a bigger difference than it will today.
We are making history in 2009. Whether this becomes the year we changed America’s direction or the one in which we lost one of our last great opportunities to act is up to us.
Please join us.
Sincerely,
Steve Cochran
Director, National Climate Campaign
P.S. Our global warming lobbying team is working around the clock to win House passage. They are depending on your help to keep up the pressure and prevail in Washington.
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Environmental Defense Action Fund |
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30% of the world’s species face extinction. Our Warming and Wildlife campaign tells the story. Global warming is about more than hurricanes, droughts, and other catastrophic changes. Biologists around the planet are sounding the alarm. Stories about the plight of wildlife confronting the threat of global warming have been flooding my office daily — more than any one person can keep up with. So I thought it was time to tell this story to our most faithful EDF friends and highlight some urgent actions that you can take. This month we unveil a new feature, Warming and Wildlife, which highlights seven North American “ambassador species.” These species are dealing with climates that are already changing. Some are officially threatened with extinction. You’ll meet vulnerable wildlife such as:
These ambassadors all tell a story that warming is already here, that no living thing is unaffected, and that unless we act now, the web of life will be unalterably changed on our planet. Warming and Wildlife invites you to share your own stories, take action to stop global warming, and spread the word to others. Send an ecard featuring one of our ambassadors; call your Twitter followers to action; and spread the word to your Facebook friends. As our elected officials consider historic measures to reduce our nation’s global warming pollution, we thought this was a good time to spotlight some of the creatures in our own backyards whose futures in the wild depend on us. Thanks for all you do to help protect all life on earth. Sincerely, Stacy Small P.S. We know that our most faithful EDF supporters care deeply about wildlife. In fact, we organized in the 1960’s to win a ban on the pesticide DDT that was causing egg shell thinning in magnificent birds like the Bald Eagle, Osprey, and Peregrine. As we confront the growing threat of global warming, the rebounds many of these species have made give us enormous hope that when smart people take action, good things happen. That’s the record of conservation victories that inspires me and I hope it inspires you, too.
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Know What This Is? Can you identify this ocean critter? (Hint: It’s a giant yellowtail, green turtle or a flounder.) Find out if you’re right and get your kids interested in ocean life with this game from NRDC’s Your Oceans site. Play the game Help Save Our Seas Urge Congress to pass a Healthy Oceans Act to help keep our oceans safe for future beachgoers and seafood lovers. Take action now! India, Enlightened Can one of the world’s fastest-growing countries raise a billion people out of poverty without destroying the environment? NRDC’s award-winning magazine explores the challenges. Read the article NRDC on Twitter Track @NRDC for the latest news and more. If you do something to support NRDC, tweet to let us know! Follow us Pick Sustainable, Safe Seafood Eating fish can be a healthy choice, but some seafood options are better for you — and better for the environment — than others. How do you know which to choose? We’ve got seven basic rules that will help you make smart decisions about what seafood belongs on your plate — and what to throw back. See our sustainable seafood guide Get Ocean-Friendly Recipes Take the guesswork out of serving seafood. See below to enter a drawing for a free set of 15 recipe cards that will help you make everything from Baja fish tacos to Pacific cod potpies. Avoid Mercury Contamination Protect yourself with our mercury calculator and guide to what’s safe. Hitting the Beach? Test the Waters Get advice for avoiding beachwater pollution from the NRDC blog. Climate Crisis Vote Legislation to cap global warming pollution and spur investment in clean energy has cleared its first hurdle. NRDC experts follow the action. See blog posts Screening Your Sunscreen Learn how to choose a safer, more effective sunscreen with helpful tips from Simple Steps, NRDC’s online guide to healthy green living. Get advice
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As skillful means we can employ whatever is useful, whatever is truly helpful. For each of us at different times, different traditions, philosophical constructs, and methods may serve us, either because of temperament, background, or capacities. For some, the language of emptiness may be as dry as the desert, while for others it may reveal the heart-essence of liberation. Some may quickly recognize the nature of awareness itself, while others emphasize the letting go of those mind states that obscure it. Some may find that the path of devotion truly empties the self, but for others this way may simply act as a cloud of self-delusion. We each need great honesty of introspection and wise guidance from teachers to find our own skillful path.
I’m starting a new weekly webcast. I have had many requests for more inspirational materials. Fortunately, I’m starting a weekly webcast at www.tinyurl.com/belpte. On this webcast, I will address many self-help issues.
It’s starting this sunday at 9pm EST and every sunday after, at the same time. Just come in, it’s FREE.
If you would like to suggest topics for future webcast, send your requests to topics@vaness.ws
I am also starting, next week a series of webisodes based on my weekly webcast. Those will be available on this blog, my website, as well as on Youtube.
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Maybe “dinner” consists of lukewarm takeout, eaten alone in front of the TV while you surf the Internet and answer email. Or perhaps the eat-and-run dinners you share with your spouse or partner barely leave you time to say “hello” and “goodbye” to each other. Or maybe your kitchen is starting to resemble a fast-food restaurant, with family members coming in and out and grabbing a bite between activities.
While the dinner hour once represented a calm oasis from the day’s storm, experts say today it’s often anything but relaxing.
“We’re hurried, we’re harried, we’ve turned up the volume of our lives to such a high number that we often can’t even see how stressed we are. And we almost never see how we bring that stress to the dinner table, a place where traditionally we sought relaxation and comfort,” says Mimi Donaldson, a stress and time management expert.
With blaring TVs, ringing cell phones and “You’ve got mail!” chiming in the background, in some homes the dinner hour is every bit as stressful as the rest of the day, says Donaldson, co-author of the book Bless Your Stress: It Means You’re Still Alive.
“When you add in sibling rivalry and a dose of parental discipline, mealtime can quickly become a combat zone that nobody wants to enter,” says Donaldson.
If you’re thinking all this doesn’t matter much, think again.
Recent research at Columbia University found that children who regularly had dinner with their families are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol, and more likely to do better in school. In fact, studies show the best-adjusted children are those who eat with an adult at least five times a week, says Ann Von Berber, PhD, chair of the department of nutrition sciences at Texas Christian University in Fort Worth.
“Many studies support the importance of family mealtime in decreasing the incidence of teens who smoke, drink alcohol, participate in sex at a young age, start fights, get suspended from school, or commit suicide,” says Von Berber.
And kids aren’t the only ones who benefit from a peaceful repast. Experts say that couples as well as singles reap benefits when mealtime is a relaxing experience.
“It’s not only better for the soul and spirit to dine quietly and slowly — even if you’re alone — but it’s also good for the digestion,” says Loren Ekroth, PhD, a former family therapist from Las Vegas who is the founder of Conversation-Matters.com.
Of course, knowing we should relax at dinnertime is one thing; actually doing it is something else. To help you get started, our experts offered six guidelines for creating a mealtime experience everyone will look forward to.
1. Turn Down the Volume.
Nothing brings down the stress level like turning down the volume of your environment.
“That means no cell phones, no TV, and no radios blaring in the background, and it means not answering the phone during mealtime,” says Ekroth.
What should be in the background? Soft, soothing music is an instant stress buster.
Ekroth suggests letting each family member contribute suggestions about what to play, or letting a different person pick the music for each meal. If you have a CD burner, a good family project is creating an hour of dinner music that includes everyone’s favorite relaxing tunes.
2. Set the Table to Set the Mood
While you may not want to pull out the good china for every meal, a brightly colored tablecloth is a simple way to give a special look and feel even to your old kitchen plates, says food artist and cookbook author Paula La Mont.
Her trick for making any table setting seem more relaxing, even when the plates don’t match: “Buy an inexpensive bouquet of fresh flowers for the table,” says La Mont, author of the forthcoming The Little Celebration Cookbook.
“It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it sends the message that dinner is special and we are, too.”
3. Let There Be (Soft) Light
Dimming the lighting in the room and adding some candles on the dinner table can go a long way in lowering everyone’s stress level.
“Candles also traditionally mark an occasion, so lighting them at the dinner table is a way of saying ‘This meal is special — we’re special,’ or even if you are single, saying ‘I’m special,”’ says Renee Schettler, food editor for Real Simple magazine and author of Meals Made Simple. “You get a lot for a little with candles.”
If you have young children, try using one large candle set in a weighted base to ensure it doesn’t fall over, La Mont suggests.
“You can also turn lighting the candle into part of the dinner ritual — something that signals the start of a meal — and let a different child do the lighting each time,” says La Mont.
4. Control the Conversation
Too often, say experts, we see dinner with our partner or family as an opportunity to air grievances. This can be particularly true for parents, who may turn the dinner hour into a discipline hour, often because they feel it’s the only time they have their child’s attention.
To avoid this, experts recommend establishing a few ground rules for dinnertime conversation.
“Be positive and postpone negative comments for another time,” says Van Berber. “Avoid lecturing and scolding, and instead reward good manners and good behavior with positive comments.”
Further, experts say, don’t use mealtime to discuss the “honey-do” list, your medical problems, or why you hate your boss, or your mother. Instead, prompt engaging conversation by discussing the highlights of your day, or by planning a fantasy vacation — discussing where you’d go if you could go anywhere in the world.
“Make it a time that centers on the positive things that happened that week or that day,” says Donaldson. “It’s the time to tell your spouse or your children, or both, that what they did that week or that day made you really proud.”
5. Keep Your Cool in the Kitchen
The table can look great, the music may be delightful, the food might smell terrific, but if the cook is frenzied, those at the table will be, too, experts say.
“When you get home, take a few minutes before heading into the kitchen to collect yourself,” says Schettler. “Take a deep breath, and whether you have 30 seconds or 30 minutes, try to put the day behind you and give yourself the chance to switch gears before you try to make everyone else relax.”
It also helps to get as many dinner-related tasks done ahead of time as you can.
“Put the meat in the marinade in the morning or wash the vegetables and boil the macaroni or potatoes for salads the night before,” says Schettler. “The less you have to do at mealtime, the more relaxed you will be and the more relaxed your family will feel.”
6. Keep It Real
While it would be great if you could make every meal a shelter from the storm, realistically, there are days when that’s just not going to happen.
“Family meals do not have to take place every night,” says Van Berber, “nor do they need extensive planning.”
To make relaxing meals a reality, she says, schedule them on your calendar. And remember, that dinnertime isn’t the only time you can have a special meal.
“If breakfast is easier to plan than a dinner meal, make a commitment to gather in the morning several times a week,” she says.
It’s the sharing and the bonding — not the food — that matter most.
Stress is the body’s reaction to any change that requires an adjustment or response. The body reacts to these changes with physical, mental, and emotional responses.
Stress is a normal part of life. Many events that happen to you and around you — and many things that you do yourself — put stress on your body. You can experience stress from your environment, your body, and your thoughts.
The human body is designed to experience stress and react to it. Stress can be positive, keeping us alert and ready to avoid danger. Stress becomes negative when a person faces continuous challenges without relief or relaxation between challenges. As a result, the person becomes overworked, and stress-related tension builds.
Stress that continues without relief can lead to a condition called distress — a negative stress reaction. Distress can lead to physical symptoms including headaches, upset stomach, elevated blood pressure, chest pain, and problems sleeping. Research suggests that stress also can bring on or worsen certain symptoms or diseases.
Stress also becomes harmful when people use alcohol, tobacco, or drugs to try to relieve their stress. Unfortunately, instead of relieving the stress and returning the body to a relaxed state, these substances tend to keep the body in a stressed state and cause more problems. Consider the following:
Scientists may have figured out why hair turns gray, and their finding may open the door to new anti-graying strategies.
New research shows that hair turns gray as a result of a chemical chain reaction that causes hair to bleach itself from the inside out.
The process starts when there is a dip in levels of an enzyme called catalase. That catalase shortfall means that the hydrogen peroxide that naturally occurs in hair can’t be broken down. So hydrogen peroxide builds up in the hair, and because other enzymes that would repair hydrogen peroxide’s damage are also in short supply, the hair goes gray.
Putting the brakes on that chemical chain reaction “could have great implications in the hair graying scenario in humans,” write the researchers, who included Karin Schallreuter, a professor clinical and experimental dermatology at England’s University of Bradford.
The study appears online in The FASEB Journal; the FASEB is the Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology.
When you’re in the mood, it’s a sure bet that the last thing on your mind is boosting your immune system or maintaining a healthy weight. Yet good sex offers those health benefits and more.
That’s a surprise to many people, says Joy Davidson, PhD, a New York psychologist and sex therapist. “Of course, sex is everywhere in the media,” she says. “But the idea that we are vital, sexual creatures is still looked at in some cases with disgust or in other cases a bit of embarrassment. So to really take a look at how our sexuality adds to our life and enhances our life and our health, both physical and psychological, is eye-opening for many people.”
Sex does a body good in a number of ways, according to Davidson and other experts. The benefits aren’t just anecdotal or hearsay — each of these 10 health benefits of sex is backed by scientific scrutiny.
Among the benefits of healthy loving in a relationship:
A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction, according to researchers from Scotland who reported their findings in the journal Biological Psychology. They studied 24 women and 22 men who kept records of their sexual activity. Then the researchers subjected them to stressful situations — such as speaking in public and doing verbal arithmetic — and noted their blood pressure response to stress.
Those who had intercourse had better responses to stress than those who engaged in other sexual behaviors or abstained.
Another study published in the same journal found that frequent intercourse was associated with lower diastolic blood pressure in cohabiting participants. Yet other research found a link between partner hugs and lower blood pressure in women.
Good sexual health may mean better physical health. Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA, which can protect you from getting colds and other infections. Scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., took samples of saliva, which contain IgA, from 112 college students who reported the frequency of sex they had.
Those in the “frequent” group — once or twice a week — had higher levels of IgA than those in the other three groups — who reported being abstinent, having sex less than once a week, or having it very often, three or more times weekly.
Thirty minutes of sex burns 85 calories or more. It may not sound like much, but it adds up: 42 half-hour sessions will burn 3,570 calories, more than enough to lose a pound. Doubling up, you could drop that pound in 21 hour-long sessions.
“Sex is a great mode of exercise,” says Patti Britton, PhD, a Los Angeles sexologist and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators and Therapists. It takes work, from both a physical and psychological perspective, to do it well, she says.
While some older folks may worry that the efforts expended during sex could cause a stroke, that’s not so, according to researchers from England. In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke in the 914 men they followed for 20 years.
And the heart health benefits of sex don’t end there. The researchers also found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men, compared with those who had sex less than once a month.
Boosting self-esteem was one of 237 reasons people have sex, collected by University of Texas researchers and published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
That finding makes sense to Gina Ogden, PhD, a sex therapist and marriage and family therapist in Cambridge, Mass., although she finds that those who already have self-esteem say they sometimes have sex to feel even better. “One of the reasons people say they have sex is to feel good about themselves,” she tells WebMD. “Great sex begins with self-esteem, and it raises it. If the sex is loving, connected, and what you want, it raises it.”
Having sex and orgasms increases levels of the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which helps us bond and build trust. Researchers from the University of Pittsburgh and the University of North Carolina evaluated 59 premenopausal women before and after warm contact with their husbands and partners ending with hugs. They found that the more contact, the higher the oxytocin levels.
“Oxytocin allows us to feel the urge to nurture and to bond,” Britton says.
Higher oxytocin has also been linked with a feeling of generosity. So if you’re feeling suddenly more generous toward your partner than usual, credit the love hormone.
As the hormone oxytocin surges, endorphins increase, and pain declines. So if your headache, arthritis pain, or PMS symptoms seem to improve after sex, you can thank those higher oxytocin levels.
In a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine, 48 volunteers who inhaled oxytocin vapor and then had their fingers pricked lowered their pain threshold by more than half.
Frequent ejaculations, especially in 20-something men, may reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life, Australian researchers reported in the British Journal of Urology International. When they followed men diagnosed with prostate cancer and those without, they found no association of prostate cancer with the number of sexual partners as the men reached their 30s, 40s, and 50s.
But they found men who had five or more ejaculations weekly while in their 20s reduced their risk of getting prostate cancer later by a third.
Another study, reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association, found that frequent ejaculations, 21 or more a month, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men, as well, compared with less frequent ejaculations of four to seven monthly.
For women, doing a few pelvic floor muscle exercises known as Kegels during sex offers a couple of benefits. You will enjoy more pleasure, and you’ll also strengthen the area and help to minimize the risk of incontinence later in life.
To do a basic Kegel exercise, tighten the muscles of your pelvic floor, as if you’re trying to stop the flow of urine. Count to three, then release.
The oxytocin released during orgasm also promotes sleep, according to research.
And getting enough sleep has been linked with a host of other good things, such as maintaining a healthy weight and blood pressure. Something to think about, especially if you’ve been wondering why your guy can be active one minute and snoring the next.
Was it good for you?
If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay — she melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax — you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?
Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening your mouth.”
Great Sex Tip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk
Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.
Great Sex Tip 2: Don’t Believe Locker Room Talk
When men do talk, they often puff themselves up to their peers. Less apt than women to discuss their insecurities and more inclined to exaggerate their exploits, men paint distorted pictures of their sex lives for one another.
“A lot of men wind up thinking that their sex life is missing something, that other men are having wilder sex or more frequent sex,” Davidson says. “They have a sense that the pleasure ship has sailed and left them behind.”
According to Michael Castleman, a San Francisco-based sex expert and author of Great Sex: A Man’s Guide to the Secret Principles of Total-Body Sex, the average frequency of sex in committed long-term relationships is roughly once every 10 days.
Great Sex Tip 3: Don’t Compare Your Sex Life With Porn
Not everything men know about sex they learned from pornography. But a lot of it they did. And that can be a problem. Populated as it is by flawlessly formed women and men with etched abs and equine endowments, adult entertainment makes many guys wonder: What am I doing wrong? Or, more to the point: What’s wrong with me?
“One of the most destructive myths of porn is that it convinces so many guys that they’re too small,” Castleman says. “They forget that pornography is self-selecting…These are not average men. They’re the extreme end of the scale.”
Some of the other fictions that porn perpetuates are the idea that women are always primed and ready (“in the real world,” Davidson says, “people do say ‘no’”); that the same moves work on every partner; that satisfying sex always culminates in orgasm.
There are positives to porn — it can, for example, inspire us to greater sexual exploration. But when Debbie Did Dallas, she also did damage to the way men often think about sex.
“I’m not going to stand in the way of your watching porn, as long as you’re aware that it’s not reality,” Castleman says. “It’s like watching a car chase in an action movie. It’s exciting. It’s entertaining. But everyone knows it’s not the way to drive.”
Great Sex Tip 4: Focus on Pleasurable Sensations
While we’re on driving, let’s talk about commutes. And cubicles. And computers. And the demands and distractions of our daily lives.
Stress is an enemy of great sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says.
She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations.
“There are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”
Great Sex Tip 5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters
“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.”
No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing — the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving.
“A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.
Great Sex Tip 6: Schedule Sex. Really.
What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships, who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.
“There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.”
Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together.
Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences. “People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”
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Aside from weight reduction and avoiding activities that exert excessive stress on the joint cartilage, there is no specific treatment to halt cartilage degeneration or to repair damaged cartilage in osteoarthritis. The goal of treatment in osteoarthritis is to reduce joint pain and inflammation while improving and maintaining joint function. Some patients with osteoarthritis have minimal or no pain, and may not need treatment. Others may benefit from conservative measures such as rest, exercise, weight reduction, physical and occupational therapy, and mechanical support devices. These measures are particularly important when large, weight-bearing joints are involved, such as the hips or knees. In fact, even modest weight reduction can help to decrease symptoms of osteoarthritis of the large joints, such as the knees and hips. Medications are used to complement the physical measures described above. Medication may be used topically, taken orally, or injected into the joints to decrease joint inflammation and pain. When conservative measures fail to control pain and improve joint function, surgery can be considered.
Resting sore joints decreases stress on the joints, and relieves pain and swelling. Patients are asked to simply decrease the intensity and/or frequency of the activities that consistently cause joint pain.
Exercise usually does not aggravate osteoarthritis when performed at levels that do not cause joint pain. Exercise is helpful in osteoarthritis in several ways. First, it strengthens the muscular support around the joints. It also prevents the joints from “freezing up” and improves and maintains joint mobility. Finally, it helps with weight reduction and promotes endurance. Applying local heat before and cold packs after exercise can help relieve pain and inflammation. Swimming is particularly suited for patients with osteoarthritis because it allows patients to exercise with minimal impact stress to the joints. Other popular exercises include walking, stationary cycling, and light weight training.
Physical therapists can provide support devices, such as splints, canes, walkers, and braces. These devices can be helpful in reducing stress on the joints. Occupational therapists can assess daily activities and determine additional devices that may help patients at work or home. Finger splints can support individual joints of the fingers. Paraffin wax dips, warm water soaks, and nighttime cotton gloves can help ease hand symptoms. Spine symptoms can improve with a neck collar, lumbar corset, or a firm mattress, depending on what areas are involved.
In many patients with osteoarthritis, mild pain relievers such as aspirin and acetaminophen (Tylenol) may be sufficient treatment. Studies have shown that acetaminophen given in adequate doses can often be equally as effective as prescription anti-inflammatory medications in relieving pain in osteoarthritis of the knees. Since acetaminophen has fewer gastrointestinal side effects than NSAIDS, especially among the elderly patients, acetaminophen is generally the preferred initial drug given to patients with osteoarthritis. Medicine to relax muscles in spasm might also be given temporarily. Pain-relieving creams applied to the skin over the joints can provide relief of minor arthritis pain. Examples include capsaicin (Arthricare, Zostrix), salycin (Aspercreme), methyl salicylate (Bengay, Icy Hot), and menthol (Flexall).
Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) are medications that are used to reduce pain and inflammation in the joints. Examples of NSAIDs include aspirin (Ecotrin), ibuprofen (Motrin), nabumetone (Relafen), and naproxen (Naprosyn). It is sometimes possible to use NSAIDs for a while and then discontinue them for periods of time without recurrent symptoms, thereby decreasing side effect risks.
The most common side effects of NSAIDs involve gastrointestinal distress, such as stomach upset, cramping diarrhea, ulcer and even bleeding. The risk of these and other side effects increases in the elderly. Newer NSAIDs called Cox-2 Inhibitors have been designed that have less toxicity to the stomach and bowels. Because osteoarthritis symptoms vary and can be intermittent, these medicines might be given only when joint pains occur or prior to activities that have traditionally brought on symptoms.
Some studies, but not all, have suggested that the food supplements glucosamine and chondroitin can relieve symptoms of pain and stiffness for some persons with osteoarthritis. These supplements are available in pharmacies and health food stores without a prescription, although there is no certainty about the purity of the products or the dose of the active ingredients because they are not monitored by the FDA. The National Institutes of Health is studying glucosamine and chondroitin in the treatment of osteoarthritis. Their initial research demonstrated only a minor benefit in relieving pain for those with the most severe osteoarthritis. Further studies, it is hoped, will clarify many issues regarding dosing, safety, and effectiveness of these products for osteoarthritis. Patients taking blood-thinners should be careful taking chondroitin as it can increase the blood-thinning and cause excessive bleeding. Fish oil supplements have been shown to have some anti-inflammation properties and increasing the dietary fish intake and/or fish oil capsules (omega 3 capsules) can sometimes reduce inflammation of arthritis.
While oral cortisone is generally not used in treating osteoarthritis, when injected directly into the inflamed joints, it can rapidly decrease pain and restore function. Since repetitive cortisone injections can be harmful to the tissue and bones, they are reserved for patients with more pronounced symptoms.
For persisting pain of severe osteoarthritis of the knee that does not respond to weight reduction, exercise or medications, a series of injections of hyaluronic acid (Synvisc, Hyalgan) into the joint can sometimes be helpful, especially if surgery is not being considered. These products seem to work by temporarily restoring the thickness of the joint fluid, allowing better joint lubrication and impact capability, and perhaps by directly affecting pain receptors.
Surgery is generally reserved for those patients with osteoarthritis that is particularly severe and unresponsive to the conservative treatments. Arthroscopy, discussed above, can be helpful when cartilage tears are suspected. Osteotomy is a bone removal procedure that can help realign some of the deformity in selected patients, usually those with knee disease. In some cases, severely degenerated joints are best treated by fusion (arthrodesis) or replacement with an artificial joint (arthroplasty). Total hip and total knee replacements are now commonly performed in community hospitals throughout the United States. These can bring dramatic pain relief and improved function. For further information on joint surgeries, please read the Arthroscopy, Total Knee Replacement, and Total Hip Replacement articles.
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